How did it all start?
A morning 3 years ago
I wake up. Impossible to move a leg, an
arm or my head, my limbs weigh tons as if they were dead, my fingers
don't respond. I cannot feel anything anymore. I'm panickstricken. My
mind still seems to work though, albeit slowly. Gosh, this feels like
the locked-in syndrome ! I need to call the office. How can I
warn them ? The thought lingers in my head, I can't call anyone,
I can't remember if I have a voice. I'm just exhausted.
I cannot move until the next day. I go
to the doctor's down the street the day after. I tell her I don't
understand why my limbs have stopped responding, there is a diffuse
ache everywhere and I am so, so tired. My mind races to find some
earlier signs, I can only remember a doctor telling me to keep an eye
on my thyroid so I suppose this is it. I rest a few days.
I need to have blood samples taken, the
effort required to go there is a nightmare, every move is painful and
tiring. I just want to be freed from my body and mind. Just want to
rest. To sleep. Nothing else.
It is not my thyroid...In the analysis,
everything looks normal, a bit of fixing here and there but nothing
that could explain these symptoms, is there anything else that could
have prompted those, the doctor asks?
I remember the reaction of the company
health service when I, rather emotionally, shared a harassment case
of one of the employees, pressing me to take care of myself, finding
me unfit for work, I should stay home, she said. Maybe this could be
the reason for my current state ? The doctor looks surprised,
says she wouldn't have expected this from me, so energetic a woman ! Even as I stand there, she's astounded..... Rest, she says, should
help.
Resting proves difficult, even after
some days of relative rest. What is it I have ? Why should I
stay home if nothing is the matter except in my mind, surely I should
pull myself together and things would work again... All the others
work, why shouldn't I ?
Then I got fired, surely I expected it
but somewhat later... I had asked for an agreement after months of
harassment but was assured that, "no, you are needed for the
restructurings, there is absolutely no plan to fire you...". Life continued with lots of work to be done, several people to replace at once, even if the signs
were clear to me with the lack of involvement, execution of risky tasks,
disinformation... I did not react as I should have.
The days, the months that follow are
just hurdles to climb, I'm not unhappy, I am not.
My personality dissolves, if I ever had
any.... I lose the self confidence I had.
I am afraid of meeting people I know,
of having to talk, to explain. My life is under the sign of
avoidance ! I want to be left alone, bringing my boy to and back
from school is the biggest chore of the day. The mums are nice, I
didn't know them before, so there's little to explain, I'm just a non-working
mum. I think nobody notices, just as I don't notice myself how bad I
look, how lifeless I am. I still hope a vitamineshoot of some kind
will help and I will soon be working again. I long for rest but I'm
never at rest. I feel guilty.
Eleanor
